We’ve heard that some of our loyal fans need some additional relationship advice, so here’s our latest installment of Ask an Expert! Today’s expert is Mike Masters, relationship author extraordinaire who currently has 4 books published helping you get into new and handle getting out of old relationships.

1) What’s the best breakup story related to Facebook have you heard?

Oh lord, FB can be a horrible place for breakups and general crappiness. A close friend and his fiancé broke up a few years ago, but after they did, her new boyfriend found out they had posted an adult video on a prominent website. My friend couldn’t remove the vid as the website now owned it. The ex GF’s new BF couldn’t accept this, so he called my friend’s work and got him fired from his job by referencing the video. My friend retaliated by contacting their 500 plus FB friends, saying, “Check out Linda’s latest performance!” Which was linked to the adult video. I don’t think, mom, dad, brother, sister, boss were too excited to see this link, well maybe the boss didn’t mind.

2) What do you think the next technology that will really change relationships is?

I think that tech is already here and it is the iPhone. People just don’t realize yet how it is changing the dating scene. The apps that are out, and going to come out are the key, not the phone itself. For example, using your FB app and adding someone is effortless, and so much less intimidating than getting a phone number. The app “bump” allows you to just bang phones and exchange info. Grinder, is an awesome app to meet people in your area, but unfortunately just for the gay crowd. Google Latitude, allows you to know the location of all your friends. (Imagine if your BF or GF always knew your location, bit of a problem!) I even want to make an app associated with my Texting book called “Drunk Lock!” you would turn it on before drinking, locking yourself out of FB, and certain phone numbers, unless you can successfully preform a physical task to unlock your phone. That way when you are on your 6th tequila shot you won’t be able to post on your ex girlfriend’s FB wall and say, “Hony, I mis, you sooo much. Stp sex with you boss an pleaes try again???”

3) What’s the worst text you can send to someone you’ve just started dating?

It really isn’t about saying anything in particular, it is about how you are perceived. You see, initial contact is super delicate. Both of you are assessing each other, and if one person comes off even slightly too intense/weak, the game is over. This is why people need to be very cautious with balance initially, since this is the time when sexual tension is created. This particular problem addresses 90% of the questions I get from readers. Something like, “Help! I read your book and I realized why I messed up big time, can you help me gain their interest again??” Unfortunately, getting someone back on the line after messing up the balance is like trying to climb a tree upside down. Possible, but probably better not to bother.

4) What characteristics make the ideal partner in a relationship?

This has a lot more to do with you than it does with “them” and it is an awfully complicated topic, but fortunately I have summarized this before and this list likely
will become a short book.

Conditions necessary for positive tension and healthy relationships:

  • Independent strength – you are strong and you do not need the other’s strength
    to survive.
  • Intelligence – equal and balanced, both of you look up to the other.
  • Opinionated – Lovers don’t need to have the same world-view, in fact to push
    your partner to a new understanding of the world is a beautiful gift.
  • Demanding of respect – Without this, no love can maintain. You must be willing
    to lose what you love in order to protect who you are.
  • Continuous desire for growth – This must be present and equal in both partners,
    you don’t need to be moving in the same direction, but you must be moving at
    the same speed.
  • Equal physical/sexual attraction – If you can look at your lover and say, “My
    god… is that who I am going to make love to tonight?” Wow, is there any greater
    positive sexual tension than this? (However, Love sheds pounds and fixes
    hairlines)
  • Intellectual connection – Intelligence is not enough, you must love and enjoy the
    beautiful pattern of thought the other person weaves, knitting yourself into their
    being.
  • Fun, Humor and delight – Without laughter and joy, what relationship can be
    whole?
  • Communication – This is the glue that binds your resonance, without it your
    pattern will unravel and the connection will be lost. It is a skill, and one you have
    to constantly maintain.

5) What’s the most common ‘red flag’ that a relationship is doomed?

Gottman, J.M. summarized this in his book on “Why marriages succeed or fail and how you can make yours last”
Here are his stages:

1st Criticism
2nd Contempt
3rd Defensiveness
4th Stonewalling

The true “red flag” or tipping point in any relationship is contempt. Once this stage has been reached it is pretty much impossible for any relationship to recover.

This tipping point usually occurs because there is a lack of power balance in the relationship, and one partner “abuses” the other partner in order to get them to reestablish the balance or force them to “step-up”. However, what usually happens is the weaker partner, becomes smaller out of fear. This of course, is the opposite of what to do and the dominant partner becomes disgusted, and puts even more pressure on the relationship until they hit a breaking point.

If you would like to learn more about Mike’s work please visit Mike’s Amazon author page at http://www.amazon.com/Michael-Masters/e/B004RFCRJG or visit his blog at http://www.mikethemasterdater.com

Remember, for all things relationships, TWIDY is here to help!